


It Must Be Bunnies

by velvetcadence



Category: Starfighter (Comic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Domestic schmoop, Fluff, M/M, Not to be taken seriously, The Perils of Keeping Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-07 07:13:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/745757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetcadence/pseuds/velvetcadence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keeler has a weakness for furry things. Encke has a weakness for Keeler. He'll do anything to make Keeler happy, even if it means buying him a fussy, adorable angry rabbit to dote on for his birthday.</p>
<p>In which Cain and Abel are actual bunnies, and Keeler and Encke are their unfortunate parents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Must Be Bunnies

**Author's Note:**

> Special mention to [asocialconstruct](http://archiveofourown.org/users/asocialconstruct/pseuds/asocialconstruct) for being so kind.
> 
> This was written in response to the Starfighter Kinkmeme, which [prompted](http://more-biting.livejournal.com/370.html?thread=11378#t11378) a Buffy song (whose reference I didn't understand), so I went with the literal of "it must be bunnies". Ergo, actual fluffy bunnies. Thank you to OP for being an enabler. I've never written about bunnies literally getting it on before.

 

Let it not be said that Encke didn’t know how to treat his man. After a romantic dinner and a midnight stroll, Keeler was feeling particularly like swooning over his tall, dark and handsome boyfriend. Especially when Encke put his hands on him, massaging the aches and pains in his back from sitting his ass in front of a computer all day. 

“Oh…I adore you,” Keeler professed as Encke’s thumb dug into a particular trouble spot. Encke hummed in amusement, his hands smelling like lavender oil.

“The perks of dating a physical therapist.”

“I’d love you more if you’d—oh! Talk dirty to me.” Keeler teased, knowing Encke was more likely to flip him over and make sweet love to him rather than tell him what he was going to do.

“I love your  _fossae lumbales laterales_.”

Keeler giggled, slightly tipsy from the wine they had at dinner. “My butt dimples. You’re such a sweet-talker.”

“I try.”

Encke pressed his thumbs along the line of Keeler’s spine and felt his boyfriend melt into the bed sheets.

-

Keeler didn’t find his real birthday present until the next morning after dragging himself out of bed to make himself some coffee. Something soft brushed against his feet and he jumped, making a tumbled fool of himself in the process. The bunny hid under the fridge, its little black ears pressed to its head in fright.

“Hey, lil’ guy…how’d you get in here?” Keeler cooed, coercing the bunny nearer. It flicked an annoyed ear at him but nevertheless came forward, sniffing at Keeler’s fingertips. Keeler bundled it in his arms and fed it bits of carrot, rubbing the soft fur with unprecedented delight.

Encke came in a little later, roused by the noise, and found himself an armful of boyfriend and bunny the minute he stepped into the kitchen. “Oh sweetheart, thank you! He’s adorable and I love him already!”

Encke gave a pleased little smile at that and blindly groped to pet the bunny while staring meaningfully into Keeler’s eyes. “You’re welcome.” He was about to lean in to kiss him when the little furry shit bit his finger and drew blood.

Keeler named it Cain. Encke aptly called it Bastard in his head.

-

Over the next few days, Keeler’s priority shifted to making Cain as settled in and happy as possible, which annoyed Encke endlessly as it made plain that it adored Keeler and hated Encke.

“You should be grateful to me, you stupid fur ball.” Encke groused as he sorted through Cain’s litter box. “I could have bought another rabbit from the pet store. You would have been stuck in the shelter for ages if I didn’t come along.” 

The bunny flicked an ear at him, which was bunny equivalent to The Finger, not that the humans knew that.

-

“Did you know that rabbits binky when they’re happy?” 

Encke looked up from his laptop to watch Keeler pet their bunny on his lap. Basta--ahem, Cain was comfortably snuggled up at the crook of the blond’s arm, his nose twitching in sleep every now and then. Looking at the bunny, Encke would admit in the deepest, darkest part of his heart that the little shit was actually pretty cute, if only it wasn’t so horribly evil.

“Really, now.” What the hell was a binky?

“I’ve never seen Cain binky.” Keeler confessed, and it made something tug at Encke’s chest because he looked so forlorn at the moment, and disappointed that, despite his efforts, Cain wasn’t truly happy.

“Maybe he just needs more time to settle in. It’s only been a few weeks.” Encke wrapped a warm arm around Keeler and smiled to himself when Keeler leaned into the touch. It had been a long time before Keeler allowed himself to enjoy physical intimacy. Encke had been as patient and loving as Keeler needed him to be, and the rewards were great.

“Maybe he’s just lonely. Maybe he needs a brother.”

Shit. Oh hell no.

“I want to get another one. Please, Encke, let’s have another one.”

Encke would have been heartless to refuse Keeler’s pleading eyes. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, and after that night’s fantastic sex, Encke would have said yes to anything, be it being subjected to Keeler’s cooking or having another little monster to look after. (Although in Encke’s defense, one was not much better than the other, one being food poisoning and the other possibly contracting rabies, both of which were lethal in their own rights.)

-

One of Encke’s ex-patients owned a pet store and was perfectly willing to give them a rabbit, free of charge.

“Hey, doc. How’s it going?” The man held out a hand for him to shake.

Encke nodded. “Not bad. How’s the leg?”

“Pretty good. My niece got me a pirate hat to go with the eye patch, but I’m glad to not have to use a peg leg.” The man laughed, and tilted his head towards Keeler. “That’s the boyfriend?”

“Yeah. Excuse his weakness for all things cute and fluffy. He’d probably hoard all of them at home if he could.”

“Excuse me,” Keeler interjected primly. “But you have a weakness of cute and fluffy too under that macho exterior of yours too. Otherwise you wouldn’t have bought me Cain.”

“Nah, I just have a weakness for you. You wouldn’t stop whining about getting a cat.”

“I know.” Keeler winked. “Sorry, where are my manners? I’m Keeler. You must be Praxis.”

“Nice to meet you.” Praxis shook his hand. “Have you got your choice?”

“I’m thinking the white one over there…” Keeler said, leading the way to one of the cages on the other side of the shop.

Encke silently sighed to himself and resisted running his hand down his face. Keeler held up a fluffy white bunny with light eyes in front of him a moment later. “What do you think? I’m thinking of naming him Abel.”

“Kee, I know you’re not Christian but…” How was he supposed to phrase ‘Cain was a jealous bitch who slaughtered his baby brother over being God’s favorite’ in a nice, tactful manner?

“What?” Keeler blinked his baby blues at Encke.

“You know what? Never mind, I’m sure Cain will appreciate Abel’s company.”

-  
  
The minute Ethan felt gentle hands enclosing around him, he knew it was time. “Oh! I think I’m being adopted!”  
  
“No shit, motherfucker.” One of the other little bunnies sneered. “Good riddance to you!”  
  
“Uh, yeah! What he said.”  
  
“Yeah, what he said.”  
  
Ethan kept his words to himself, because his momma taught him that if you couldn’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Then again, if the other little bunnies followed his mother’s rule, Ethan suspected that the whole cage would have been silent the whole time. It kind of made him sad that nobody had really liked him ever since he got to the pet store.  
  
His new owner smelled nice though, and he made the best cooing noises and he stroked Ethan’s fur  gently. He was very calm and he held Ethan like he knew how to hold a bunny properly. Ethan saw immediately why when they reached his new home and he was put into a pen with another bunny. This buck was bigger than him and had dark fur, which complemented his red eyes. Overall he was a handsome one, with shiny fur that looked lovingly cared for.  
  
“Hello! I just came in from the pet store. You can call me Ethan, if you like. What’s your name?”  
  
“Cain.” The other bunny grumpily replied. “Why are you here?”  
  
“They bought me. Where else would I go?”  
  
“I meant, why are you  _here_ , talking to  _me_?”  
  
“Who else could I talk to? And anyway, you seem lonely,” The white bunny honestly replied. “So I’ll talk to you, if you want. I think the humans meant us to be mates.”  
  
“Mates, huh?” The black bunny looked intrigued. “And what do the humans call you, sweetheart?”  
  
Ethan was flustered at the endearment. “Abel.” To his surprised Cain laughed and rolled on to his back.  
  
“Humans are fucked up,” he wheezed, snickering. “But okay, I’ll take you in. Welcome to the family, Abel.”  
  
-  
  
“Awww, look at them.” Keeler chuckled, sighing at the adorable sight their two pets made. They were currently grooming themselves side by side, licking their paws and scrubbing at their faces. “I’m so glad we got Abel. Cain seems so much happier now.”  
  
“Next thing I know you’ll be posting videos on Youtube and making a bunny farm.” Encke grunted as he set their dinner on the table. Keeler fetched a pitcher of water from the fridge.  
  
“Now there’s an idea.”  
  
“Keeler…”  
  
The blond laughed and pecked Encke on the nose. “Chill out. You know I’m just kidding.”  
  
-  
  
“Hey, you missed a spot.” Cain said.  
  
“Where?”  
  
“I’ll get it.”   
  
Abel flicked his head as Cain licked into his ear. “That tickles.” The white bunny licked Cain’s cheek in retaliation, nuzzling him.  
  
“Have you ever been mated before?” Cain asked, brusque as ever. Abel squeaked in surprise.  
  
“What? N-no!”  
  
“Seriously? With a sweet ass like that?”  
  
Abel batted Cain away and hopped to the other side of the rabbit pen. “I-I-I never had a mate to do that anyway, so…”  
  
Cain loped off to where Abel was huddled, nibbling at a white ear. “Why’re you embarrassed? It’s not a big deal. And bunnies don’t have to be mates to do that sort of thing.”  
  
“They don’t?” Abel’s eyes went comically wide.  
  
“You’re such a precious little princess.” Cain mused. “I’ll enjoy corrupting you.”  
  
“That doesn’t sound ominous at all.” Abel huffed.  
  
“Relax. Lie down; it’ll feel good, promise.”  
  
Abel lay down on his stomach with a little reluctance, but then Cain started gently nibbling at his fur, and that felt nice. “You know, I think I’ve been cuddled more the past few weeks than I’ve been my whole time at the pet store. You’re such a snuggle bunny, Cain.”  
  
“Hey, shut up.” Cain said, but he was playfully biting at Abel’s rump so Abel knew he was just teasing. He swiped at the other bunny’s tailbone and was rewarded with a gasp. Pleased with himself, he rubbed his nose against Abel’s pale fur and began to mount.

-  
  
“GODDAMMIT!” Encke’s cry echoed loudly across the apartment.   
  
“Encke! What happened?” In a flash, Keeler was at his side, holding his boyfriend’s wrist gingerly. Encke frowned at the furry ball of evil he’d just apparently cockblocked and vowed its imminent destruction.  
  
“Fucker bit me.” Encke gritted out. “They were doing it.”  
  
“Doing what?” Keeler blinked, and the taller man raised an eyebrow. “It? Sex? But I thought they were both boys.”  
  
“Praxis might have made a mistake.”  
  
“We’re not gonna have a fucking litter! Leave us alone!” Cain exclaimed, hopping and twitching his ears in extreme frustration.  
  
Abel wished the ground would swallow him up. “I can’t believe he just grabbed you in the middle of a rut. That was so rude.”  
  
-  
  
Five minutes later, Abel was whimpering behind the bars of his cage. “Cain, they’re not taking me away, are they?”  
  
Cain bumped their noses together between the bars. “I don’t know, baby. I’ll give ‘em hell if they do.”  
  
“What if they take me back to the pet store?”  
  
“Then I’ll find you.”  
  
Abel sniffed and pressed his ears to his head, letting Cain groom whatever he could reach between the bars.  
  
“Come on, it’s time to go.” Encke reached inside the pen to lift Abel’s cage up. Cain snapped at him, scratching the bars of the rabbit pen until they were out of sight.  
  
-  
  
“So the thing is, we found the two of them going at it like a…”  
  
“Like a pair of bunnies?” Praxis grinned.  
  
Encke rolled his eyes. “Exactly.”  
  
Abel held himself perfectly still, half-frozen with fright and the other half with the sheer awkwardness of having one’s bits inspected very thoroughly .  
  
“Well, I don’t think you’ll have a problem with extra pets. Abel remains an Abel and not an Abella.”  
  
“Jesus. My rabbits are gay?” Encke massaged his forehead, somewhat relieved, but mostly shocked.  
  
Praxis gently put Abel back in his cage and leaned against the counter, cheeky. “Maybe they decided to take after their parents. After all, daddy and papa have such a lovely relationship.”  
  
Encke narrowed his eyes. “If you were still my patient, I’d have made you run extra laps for that.”  
  
“Thank god I’m not. No offense, doc, but you were a slave driver.”  
  
-  
  
The moment Encke and Abel got home, Cain ran to the door. As a general rule, the rabbits were given free reign within the apartment so long as they made proper use of the litter box. Cain had gone through a rebellious phase because of puberty, peeing everywhere, displaying sudden bouts of anger and generally making a nuisance of himself. Abel laughed himself silly when Keeler told him all about it, and it took a long grooming and cuddling session to get Cain out of that sulk.  
  
Now Cain was all but nipping at Encke’s heels, impatient. Once Abel was let out, however, he attacked the other bunny with a tackle-glomp, running his cheek against Abel’s fur over and over again, trying to get the human’s scent off of him.  
  
“I’m fine, I’m fine!” Abel exclaimed,” And they’re not returning me, though they did consider neutering. What’s a ‘neuter’, Cain?”  
  
Cain froze in horror. “It’s a bad word. The worst there is. Don’t say it ever again.”  
  
“But what does it mean?”  
  
“It’s what humans call it when they cut your nuts off.”  
  
Abel must have frozen in shock too, before Cain was nudging him forward. “Let’s hide under the bed. They’ll never think to look for us there.”  
  
“What? For the rest of our lives?”  
  
“Don’t be stupid. Just for the rest of the afternoon. I haven’t finished mating you yet.”  
  
“O-oh,” Abel shivered in anticipation, recalling how surprisingly good the mounting was. “Let’s go then. I feel a heat coming on.”  
  
-  
  
“So?”  
  
“Our rabbits are gay.”  
  
“…Oh. Oh my.”  
  
-

“Found you!” Keeler smiled sometime later, lifting a corner of the bed sheet to reveal their two bunnies all snuggled up with each other. “And pretty dirty too.” He gathered them in both crooks of his arms, and they went easily, pliant as anything. 

Encke gave a look when Keeler emerged from the bedroom with an armful of sleepy bunnies. “They were under the bed,” The blond explained. “We might have to give them a bath later.”

“Heh. Cleaning up dust bunnies.” Encke smirked. Keeler muffled his laughter on Encke’s shoulder, trying not to disturb their little darlings too much.

**Author's Note:**

> Buck - male rabbit  
> Binky - happy dancing/hopping  
> Rabbit puberty - the most horrific period of a rabbit's life (for an owner)


End file.
